Hi, I’m Naomi and I blog over at Me Becoming Mum. I like to write raw and honest posts about the truths and realities of pregnancy and parenthood. I am a 26 year old wife of almost six years, and mummy to a beautiful little girl who is turning three at the end of this month, and our gorgeous youngest daughter who was born in December 2016. Although this is my family, I am truly a mother of four. I am a mother of two angels, and a mother to two rainbow babies.
I first shared the story of my rainbow babies on my own blog – something that took a lot of tears and courage to publish. Since then I have written about this topic a couple of times. Despite them being a regular occurrence, miscarriage and baby loss have always been discussion taboos. This makes writing about them a very hard thing to do, but I believe strongly that it needs to be spoken about, which is why I continue to share my story.
Some people are lucky, and don’t have to go through miscarriages or baby loss. Others are not so fortunate. As for me, I have suffered two miscarriages. We lost our first baby in 2009 and our third in 2015. I am one of the lucky ones though – because I have also had two beautiful daughters after these two loses. The losses we went through make both of our daughters ‘rainbow babies’. By definition a rainbow baby is a baby conceived and carried after a loss.
Rainbows are one of my favourite things and to me they symbolise hope. After every rain storm, a rainbow appears. From something that can be destructive and devastating, one of the most beautiful occurrences in nature comes forth. I love that I am able to say this about both of my girls.
I lost our first child during the first trimester, in 2009. I grieved for a long time, and through my grief I blamed myself. I felt like I had failed at something that should be simple – women’s bodies are designed to bear children and yet my body had lost ours. Everyone from my other half to the doctors told me that it wasn’t my fault. If I had a pound for overtime I heard the saying “it’s just one of those things” I’d be a very rich lady.
The day I found out I was pregnant with our first born daughter I felt everything from joy to terror. I had already lost our first baby – what was to stop the same happening again?
My pregnancy was terrible from start to finish. Everything that the books say ‘could’ happen when you are pregnant did for me. From the less scary cramps and morning sickness to terrifying unexplained bleeding and reduced foetal movements. The worst part for me was not the so called ‘side effects’ of pregnancy, but the feeling that I would not love my baby as much as I should – because I had lost her older sibling.
The day I gave birth all my worries evaporated. Looking down at the tiny human I was now responsible for showed me that everything had been worth it. All of the trips into hospital, and everything that we had to face were removed from my mind the instant I saw those big, dark eyes looking up at me. I will never forget that we lost our first baby, but a part of me that had been broken for a very long time, finally began to heal in that first moment I spent with my beautiful rainbow baby.
Those first moments proved something else to me too – there was no way I could not love her. The instant I held her to my chest, I was overwhelmed and completely besotted with her. In that moment I knew I would do anything to protect her. In a way, she rescued me.
I lost our third baby – again during the first trimester – in December 2015. Four days after I had taken a positive home pregnancy test. This time – as I curled up in a ball, shuddering in pain – I had a little, worried toddler – who was not even two years old – at home with me. Thankfully, she didn’t see the hardest part. I was alone in the bathroom as I lost the large clots that were what remained of our baby.
That day, my first rainbow baby rescued me once more. I lay on the sofa with a hot water bottle, crying and willing the pain to go away. Then an amazing thing happened. I felt a little hand stroke my face, as my daughter wiped away the tears. I heard her tiny voice whisper “It’s ok mummy, you’ll be ok.” She had no idea what was going on, but she knew her mama needed love. My little one climbed up on to the sofa with me, lay with one hand on my face and one hand on my chest, repeating those words over and over, “It’s ok mummy”.
As she continued to tell me that it was all ok, an incredible peace came over me. In the weeks that followed, it was only when I was around my daughter that my mind felt at peace, and my heart didn’t feel like it was broken into a thousand pieces.
In May of 2016, we found out we were expecting again. Our second rainbow baby.
I had another pretty awful pregnancy including two hospital stays thanks (or not as the case may be!) to what the doctors call ‘threatened premature labour’. Eventually I was induced due to reduced foetal movements, and ten days before Christmas we welcomed our gorgeous younger daughter into the world.
Bringing our new little girl home was incredible, but it required massive adjustments to our lives. I am still learning how to be a mother of two – and still trying to work out a routine for us all. Every moment, even the ones where my new baby is screaming or waking me up at silly hours through the night, is filled with joy, love, and happiness. Every time I look at my two beautiful girls, my heart feels a little less broken.
I don’t know if the pain of losing my babies will ever really go away, but, for the most part, it has been replaced with the delight of my rainbows and the enjoyment of making new memories. I will continue to remember that we have two angel babies and every day I will be thankful for them, because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have my two beautiful daughters.